Tuna & Chips

That's it folks.

I have a tuna sandwich with chips for lunch EVERYDAY.

Sometimes I live on the edge and get spicey fries (which really AREN'T a substitute for chips, I discovered this week).

Remember....I work at a SCHOOL. Would YOU eat their tacos? Would you trust the "chicken patties?"

Not me. It's tunaandchipstunaandchipstunaandchips Monday through Friday. Year after year.

So today I was at "Subway" ordering my lunch. And behind me I heard a woman say "Is THIS where you go when I'm not feeding you?"

It was the cafeteria lady at my school. I laughed, a little nervously, because I was just paying for my "Subway" tuna and chips.

And as an aside, I haven't posted for a while, but a couple of guys named Lewis and Clark discovered that our country was a WHOLE lot bigger than we thought it was. But I guess you've already heard about that.

Name Game

My new Hell.

Youngest daughter has been on a tear these past several weeks about her name. Apparently, she hates her name, so now, because I signed a birth certificate with an "uncool" name I must endure the following.

Endlessly. Relentlesly.

Youngest: "Okay mom. Which name do you like best? Brittany, Ashley, or Meaghan..."
Me: " I hate them all."
Youngest: "Choose one."
Me: "OK. Ashley."
Youngest: " Not my favorite choice. If you could do it over again, if someone gave you $20,000, what name would you choose? Samantha, Erin, or Haley?"

This "fun" game has been going on for weeks now.

But she's heartless. Whenever she says "OK mom, what name do you like best?" I want to poke my eyes out with quilting needles.

Please make it stop. Please. Or else I'm going to court and officially changing her name to "Winnie." THEN she'll have something to really be pissed about.

It Wasn't Me!!!!! Honest!!!!

I DID NOT kill Anna Nicole Smith.

I meant to say that I am not responsible for not being able to write for so long. It was my Stupid Mentally Retarded Brain Damaged Drooling Booger Nosed Computer.

Proof? I needed to change some stuff. Tried for DAYS on my "rides to school on the short bus" computer at home and finally became so frustrated that I went to neighborhood drug dealer and bought some heroin.

And I didn't even HAVE to become an addict because I tried the same "switch over" on my work computer and LORDY LORDY IT'S A MIRACLE! It took me 5 minutes. FIVE minutes and here I am writing away.

Do you think they have computers in rehab?

Technology Gal

I already e-mailed this tale to one of my many sisters.

But she doesn't count. She's a Stupidhead and probably doesn't remember reading it anyway. If she can actually READ that is...there were vowels and other complicated stuff involved, so I'm not too concerned.

So, youngest daughter did a dance with a friend at her Middle School Talent Show.

They worked very hard...practiced for weeks. Bought matching costumes. It was a very big deal.

But then I was entrusted to videotape the event. I had the camera and I practiced. Over and over and over...

When the big night came, I was so nervous with this 20th century technology that I felt like a bomber pilot about to embark on a mission.

Long story short:

Focus
Curtain
Blur
Oh There She Is!
Blur
Curtain
Back of the Head of Person in Front of Me
Blur

I'm available for weddings, anniversaries, or any other priceless event you would like saved for a lifetime.

1-800-technology loser.

Happy Convenience Store Lady

I was at a local convenince store the other day-"convenient" means you pay $1.50 for a bottle of Diet Coke because you're too lazy to go to an actual grocery store where that same bottle will cost you 50 cents.

Anyway, as I put my items on the counter I noticed that the clerk seemed unusually happy. She was singing and smiling as she rang up my stuff and I thought "she's either the most grateful person in the country to have this crappy $7.25 per hour job or she's on something I WANT."

After I paid I said "Thank-You."

And she said to me "I Love You."

Swear to God.

It was an awkward moment.

How was I supposed to respond to THAT? Say "I Love You Too???"

Well I don't love her...I don't even know her...and I wasn't about to lead her on that way.

So I just laughed and made a speedy exit. I think I did the right thing, don't you?

Baby It's Cold Outside

I work with a woman who was telling us today about her experience spending two weeks at base camp on Mt. Everest.

So I asked her a very simple question: "Why did you do that?"

I don't even like starting my car in the morning during the winter.

Yet she puposefully went to one of the coldest places on the planet and, just to make sure she was acceptably uncomfortable, climbed to about 14,000 feet where simple amenities, such as oxygen, are not available and hung out for a while. Not exactly MY idea of a vacation. (But she was a "Hell Hole Traveler"-defined as someone who felt the need to spend years visiting every miserable place on earth she could get to. I have another colleague who decided to pack up and teach for two years in MONGOLIA...What's WRONG with these people? Haven't they heard of warm sandy beaches with hammocks and drinks with umbrellas in them???)

Anyway, I'm digressing here. I simply wanted to register exactly how much I hate winter. Winter has no reason to exist. I'm opposed to everything it stands for. If winter were to run against Dick Cheney in the next election, well, I'd put on a very bright orange vest and vote against winter.

A few weeks ago I was really excited about Global Warming or El Nino or whatever it was that gave us 60 degree weekends. So what if polar icecaps were melting-it just means our kids will all have oceanfront property someday. It was beautiful-I don't care what Al Gore says. HE can just take a trip to the Bahamas-I'm stuck here.

But then stupid winter showed up. Again. Cold, miserable, ugly, evil winter.

I'm counting on the Democrats to do something about this nasty problem. And if they can't fix this seasonal issue then at the very least they should give me a two week all taxpayer expense paid trip to Tahiti.

Because I'm a good American, and I hate winter more than anyone else.

Name Meshing

I just read an article about "Billary." Would somebody PLEASE alert reporters that this name meshing thing is no longer clever?

It all started with Ben Afflect and Jennifer Lopez's zillion dollar in your face romance-I can't remember what their name mesh was (Bennifer? Blowpez?) but all of a sudden every journalist decided this was the coolest idea in the world. Almost as cool as ending every conspiracy/problem with the word "gate," as in:

Hockeygate (parents killing eachother at their 8 year old's hockey games)
LittleLeaguegate (same as above, only involving wooden bats)
Other "gates" I can't remember right now.

But back to name meshing. We've got "Brangelina," "TomKat," and now "Billary???"

Knock it off journalists! It's old! It's over! It wasn't then, and isn't now, even remotely smart.

Although if you're looking for a new name mesh, I'd like to suggest "Janzel." Or maybe "Cloonic." Just in case.